the RELATIONSHIP dance
WITH VICKI MINERVA
Your “Yes” isn’t yes if you can’t say “No”
C
an you remember feeling
cornered and pressed into
doing something that you
really didn’t want to do? Or perhaps
you remember taking advantage of
someone you knew was “too nice” to
refuse you? If either of these scenarios
speak to you, chances are you may
have a problem with something called
boundaries.
In similar fashion to boundar-
ies for property, personal boundaries
help to establish limits or guidelines
around physical, mental, emotional,
or spiritual interactions between
people. Your comfort level with per-
sonal space, expectations, and the right
to decide them, may be significantly
different than your coworker or friend.
Boundaries are shaped by a variety of
things; your beliefs, past experiences,
value systems, or social environment,
among other things. Guaranteed, you’ll
have better interactions when you
respect each others’ differences.
Unhealthy boundaries can create
problems both by being either too
rigid or too porous. If you are on the
spectrum leaning towards being rigid,
chances are you have a difficult time
trusting people and can’t accept the
influence of others. It’s as if you live
in an emotional fortress and attempt
to keep yourself emotionally safe by
not allowing anyone in. The difficulty
with that is that 1) No one is truly
self-sufficient, and 2) It is a lonely way
to live. No one can give constructive
criticism or feedback. Neither can
they offer connection and support. My
guess is that you’ve been hurt some-
where along the line and this has been
your solution.
When you have porous or non-
existent boundaries, you have
difficulty distinguishing where your
responsibility starts or stops in
relationship to those around you.
One presentation is having difficulty
protecting yourself. You may feel
responsible for the happiness of oth-
ers. You absorb perceived expectations
and resulting guilt from an imaginary
audience you feel the need to satisfy.
You find it hard to say “no” without
an ironclad excuse. You may even go
against your own values because of the
need to please. Whether by nature or
nurture, you are hyper aware of others
and attempt to keep everyone happy. It
creates a lot of anxiety!
The other presentation of not having
boundaries is being invasive rather
than defenseless. In essence you won’t
take “no” for an answer. You may touch
inappropriately or be confused when
people are offended by your freely
expressed comments. You may share
intimate information too quickly (or
expect it from others) and assume a
greater bond exists than really does. The
presentation here can be either extrava-
gant with obvious intrusions, or timid
but needy with the expectation that
others are responsible for taking care of
you. Chances are you are unaware, or
not concerned, about the impact you
have on those around you.
Ultimately there is a healthier place
in the midrange where you are able to
identify your own wants, needs and
feelings and can respectfully negotiate
for them in relationship to the wants
and needs of others. It doesn’t mean
that you’ll ALWAYS get EVERYTHING,
but it’s important that all parties feel
like they had a voice in the process.
You can say “no” to the request to take
on a job you don’t want or have time
for, without justifying it. You recognize
the responsibility that is yours to make
choices that you can live with.
So why does this matter anyway?
Ultimately the healthiest and most
intimate relationships will be those that
discern what, or whom, to let in and
out. Healthy boundaries require two-
way communication to express wants
and needs and minimize misunder-
standings. You know what you like
without the influence or pressure of
another’s expectation. You can say “Let
me think about it” before accepting
a new claim on your calendar, or say
“no” to unwanted gifts or touch. It’s
not selfish. It’s a way to keep yourself
healthy without over- extending your-
self or allowing unsafe people easy
access to the tender parts of you.
When you honor another’s
boundaries, you respect that they
bring a different set of gifts, talents,
experiences. In the long run, you will
find the people in your life giving
more, without resentment, because
there is trust that you aren’t taking
advantage of them. If you have simply
been unaware of your affect on others,
pay attention, and practice patience
while you listen. If you’re the person
who doesn’t care about others, you’re
the reason boundaries are important.
The ability to have “yes” be yes,
instead of “I can’t say no” brings
integrity into a relationship. It will be
uncomfortable at first, but worth it!
Vicki Minerva has lived and worked in the
South County area as a Marriage and Family
Therapist for over 35 years. She and her hus-
band George raised two beautiful daughters
with the help of the village here. Her educa-
tion includes a M.Div. degree from Fuller
Seminary and a M.A. in Marriage, Family
Counseling from Santa Clara University. You
can contact her at 408.848.8793 or visit
her website at vickiminerva.com
My goal is to provide you with some information and help you access tools that will help you live your life and manage your
relationships in healthier ways. This information is not a substitute for personal counseling and should not be taken out of context.
There are many reputable therapists in the South County area should you need additional help.
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GILROY • MORGAN HILL • SAN MARTIN
MAY/JUNE 2016
gmhtoday.com