the RELATIONSHIP dance
WITH VICKI MINERVA
How to Apologize Well!
I
t’s hard to measure the value of a
heartfelt apology. Relational mistakes
and disappointments are inevitable so
learning how to apologize can affect your
satisfaction in the relationship.
If you know you’ve hurt someone,
YOU get relief by acknowledging that
you’ve caused harm. The guilt that
results causes shame and distance from
people you care about. It takes strength
to admit you’ve done something to affect
the relationship, but it is the emotional
currency that keeps it healthy and strong.
If you’re the wounded party, an
apology can bring release from hurt
and resentment that can become
chronic. Typically there is a desire for
reconciliation when a wrongdoing has
broken a relationship. If that doesn’t
occur, things can escalate to a need for
justice and the relationship becomes a
secondary concern.
There are some helpful principles that
make apologies work more effectively.
Gary Chapman and Jennifer M. Thomas
in their book, “Five Languages of
Apology,” give some insight to how
to make a better connection. People
have different “languages” that speak of
genuine regret. See if you can find yours
and that of the other person:
• “I’m sorry.” Expressing regret can
make an immediate difference to
help the wronged person release their
misgivings. Even if the wrong has
been corrected, without the acknowl-
edgement, it may not be satisfying
because there’s no evidence that you
know the effect you’ve had. Verbally
acknowledging what you’ve done lets
them know that you understand their
feelings and the hurt you’ve caused.
• “I was wrong.” Accepting
responsibility doesn’t mean that
you’re a failure. It’s an acknowledge-
ment that something you did was
hurtful and you take responsibility for
your part. The ability to say, “I made
a mistake” can be incredibly healing
for the person who hears this apol-
ogy language. It shows them that you
understand where the problem was.
• “What can I do to make it right?”
Making restitution is the process
of paying back or making up for
the hurt you’ve caused. In 12-Step
programs, it’s called Making Amends.
It may be as simple as “I made a mess
of this, I’ll clean it up.” In other
instances, the hurt may be deeper as
in fearing the loss of love or respect;
“How could you do this if you love
me?” So, for example if there has
been infidelity, restitution may be
demonstrating that your loyalty is to
your partner (not the person you had
the affair with) by being transparent
about your activities and the use of
your electronic devices.
• “I’ll try not to do that again.”
Changing your ways is important
when actions need to speak louder
than words. It’s not enough to say
you’re sorry if you repeatedly do the
same thing over and over again. This
may need to include a plan for what
you can do differently next time to
help change the outcome.
be ready to forgive. Be patient. Even
when forgiveness occurs, be aware
that it doesn’t necessarily restore trust.
That can take some time with lasting
changes demonstrating that things are
different.
If you’re speaking different languages,
a sincere apology can be totally missed.
“He came home and helped with the
dishes, but he never acknowledged the
mean things he said before he left!” or
“Sh e said she’s sorry, but she didn’t act
like it. I can’t see any remorse.” You may
be apologizing in YOUR language, but
it will only connect if you’re speaking
THEIR language.
There can be words of apology that
aren’t an apology. “I’m sorry I blew up,
but you were being so irritating,” is
blame shifting. “I’m sorry you took it
the wrong way” is different than “I’m
sorry I hurt you.” If you take on a victim
stance, “I’m such a horrible person, I’ll
never get over this.” instead of taking
responsibility for it, you manipulate
the hurt person to take care of you.
These don’t take responsibility and
lack sincerity.
A sincere apology will name the
offense and take responsibility for it.
It will truly make a difference as your
actions match your words over time.
The ability to apologize shows strength
and integrity, not weakness!
• “Will you forgive me?” Requesting
Vicki Minerva has lived
and worked in the
South County area as
a Marriage and Family
Therapist for over 35
years. Her education
includes a M.Div. degree
from Fuller Seminary and
a M.A. in Marriage,
Family Counseling from
Santa Clara University.
vickiminerva.com
forgiveness can be humbling. The
answer may be “Yes,” “No,” or “I’m
not ready yet.” For some people,
and for some offenses, this may be
essential to complete the process and
move to healing and reconciliation.
It may take some time for the ‘for-
giver’ to work through their hurt to
My goal is to provide you with some information and help you access tools that will help you live your life and manage your relationships in healthier ways.
This information is not a substitute for personal counseling and should not be taken out of context. There are many reputable therapists in the South County area should you need additional help.
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GILROY • MORGAN HILL • SAN MARTIN
AUGUST/SEPTEMBER 2018
gmhtoday.com