the RELATIONSHIP dance
WITH VICKI MINERVA
Managing Stress In A “Busy” World
W
e live in a culture where
“busy” is the standard.
We’ve lost the ability to
protect the needed time for self-care of
body, mind and spirit. The high cost of
living pressures us to work long hours.
We often sacrifice our own health and
marriages in our commitment to give
children every opportunity with sports
and other enrichment activities. The
activities are great, up to a point. Now
is a good time to decide about some
of the commitments that you make
in order to manage your stress for
the year.
So. How do you do that? The first
step is to resist the value system that
says every minute must be filled with
activity. Back in the day, my husband
and I would pull out the calendars
and mark several days for the next
three months during which we would
not accept invitations to anything.
We weren’t good at just saying no, so
this gave us needed help to say we
were already committed, even if it was
committed to doing nothing. It was
our way of claiming time that would
be harder to protect if it wasn’t already
spoken for.
Once you’ve created a little bit
more space, it’s important to “get back
in your body.” That’s psychobabble for
“get in touch with yourself so you can
use the information your body gives
you to tell you what you need.”
At the physical level, that may
mean you make those medical
appointments to get your blood pres-
sure checked, or take the 20-minute
power nap at lunch because you got
up too early. It may mean you don’t
forget to eat, or you respect your body
by eating healthier foods and drinking
more water. These are really basic
things, but they are easily neglected in
the ongoing crunch of too little time.
There really is a tyranny of the urgent
when important things are neglected
due to the demands of urgent, but not
always important, things.
…finding places to have
a purpose and connection
with like-minded people is
a way to make relation-
ships happen.
At the mental or emotional level, it
may mean you notice what you say to
yourself as you go through your day.
Self-talk can be incredibly critical. “I’m
so stupid.” “I can’t do anything right.”
“No one cares about me.” “I’m weak.”
Insert your negative message here
“________.” These messages can be a
major contributor to depression and
anxiety. Most of us are aware that this
isn’t something we’d say to our children
or friends. It is no less harmful when
we say it to ourselves. Replace some
of those comments with things like,
“It’s okay to ask for help. Who might I
ask?” “I’m learning.” “I don’t have to be
perfect.” “Hang on, I’ll figure this out.”
We don’t want grandiose and inflated
statements. We need honest and
encouraging self-talk so we can really
believe what we say.
Relationally, creating a support
system is also a priority in a self-care
strategy. Who would be there if you
found yourself in a tough spot? So
many of the folks that I know really
don’t have one. You may need to muster
up some deliberate intention, walking
over to introduce yourself to a neighbor,
or to catch up with them to ask how
they’re doing. It may not be in your
comfort range, but relationships will
not go to the next level without some-
one taking a risk. It may be daunting
to seek out a faith community or
join a community organization, but
finding places to have a purpose and
connection with like-minded people is
a way to make relationships happen.
Again, the busyness factor needs to
be balanced, but the better quality
choices can support you rather than
drain you. Finding safe people to be
in your support network also helps to
combat that negative self-talk because
you get a reflection of your value from
the people around you. When you
doubt yourself, it’s important to see
that reflection!
There are certainly other areas we
can focus on to improve self-care, but
any change can start to have a ripple
effect in improving your quality of
life. Take time to be grateful. Go for a
walk. Laugh from your belly and be
delighted. Read a book for enjoyment.
Say a prayer. Garden. Snuggle while
you watch TV. Sit outside for a few
minutes and watch the stars. Tell
someone you appreciate them. Say
thank you. Really taste your food.
These aren’t big things, but they make
you slow down and help fill you up.
Take care of yourself!!
Vicki Minerva has lived
and worked in the
South County area as
a Marriage and Family
Therapist for over 35
years. She and her
husband George raised
two beautiful daughters
with the help of the
village here. Her educa-
tion includes a M.Div. degree from Fuller
Seminary and a M.A. in Marriage, Family
Counseling from Santa Clara University. You
can contact her at 408.848.8793 or visit
her website at vickiminerva.com
My goal is to provide you with some information and help you access tools that will help you live your life and manage your
relationships in healthier ways. This information is not a substitute for personal counseling and should not be taken out of context.
There are many reputable therapists in the South County area should you need additional help.
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GILROY • MORGAN HILL • SAN MARTIN
SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER 2016
gmhtoday.com