gmhTODAY 20 gmhToday June July 2018 | Page 69

the RELATIONSHIP dance

WITH VICKI MINERVA

“ Always be kind … for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle .”

The exact author of this quote isn ’ t known , but it turns out they were on to something . It ’ s not just a nice sentiment ; it really can change things , for others as well as for you .

We now know that there are chemical changes in the bodies of both the giver and receiver when kindness is extended . Our bodies are intricately put together with biology affecting mood and mental health . Specific to our topic of kindness is the hormone oxytocin .
Oxytocin is a hormone produced by the hypothalamus . It ’ s known to play a role in childbirth , breast-feeding , sexual activity , social , and emotional bonding . In positive social settings it can promote relaxation , trust and psychological stability . As it turns out , acts of kindness are one of the ways that oxytocin is released into the blood stream and the “ emotional warmth ” response opens up . In his book , “ The 5 Side Effects of Kindness ,” David Hamilton identifies the benefits of putting kindness into action :
• Kindness makes us happier . In addition to oxytocin , dopamine is released which is our brain ’ s version of morphine and heroin creating a natural high . There ’ s also a change at a spiritual level that gives a profound sense of identity by being kind .
• Kindness is good for the heart . Literally . Oxytocin releases a chemical , nitric oxide in the blood vessels . This dilates the blood vessels and reduces blood pressure . It softens the walls of the arteries and improves cardiovascular health !
• Kindness slows aging . Again , emotional warmth produces oxytocin and reduces levels of free radicals and inflammation . This is helpful to the cardiovascular system and for the aging process . There is also a link between compassion and activation of the vagus nerve that regulates inflammation .
• Kindness improves relationships . As we demonstrate kindness , distance is broken down and emotional bonding occurs . More on that later .
• Kindness is contagious . Acts of kindness inspire others to “ pay it forward .” This is where it becomes possible to change the culture of families , communities , schools , and businesses .
So let ’ s start with you . Based on my experience , you are likely to be the MOST unkind to yourself . You may think those harsh , berating things you say in your head are motivating . In truth , they are discouraging , activate your fight or flight response , and don ’ t bring out the best in you . When you can slow the anxiety and pressure you feel by changing some of what you say to yourself , you ’ re much more likely to have the bandwidth to take it to the next step to show empathy and kindness to others . I know , easier said than done , but being conscious of it is the first step and gives you a place to interrupt what has previously been free-flowing negativity . Now is a good time to start !
Gratitude is an important segue to showing kindness to others . It helps us to line up our own value system . With gratitude , you begin to see where there is “ enough ” in areas of your life . Money might be really tight , so you offer time by volunteering with a group that is important to you . Unexpected praise or affirmation doesn ’ t cost a dime , but is something most people are starved for .
Choose to see others more respectfully . It ’ s a gift to see them as human beings on a journey with its own twists and turns . Random acts of kindness become something you can delight in when your own status isn ’ t at stake . Let someone merge into your lane when traffic is heavy , be careful with your tone when speaking to others , give someone the benefit of the doubt when they aren ’ t at their best , by remembering you don ’ t know what personal burden they may be carrying .
There ’ s no guarantee that people will respond well to your kindness . Do it anyway . The overarching trend , over time , will be that people soften a bit . They will pay it forward . The culture in your home or workplace will begin to pull together instead of being isolating and defensive . Kindness does not mean that there aren ’ t confrontations or standards , but the way they are addressed is different , making it safe to be honest about the need for change . It opens the door to a safe social environment with higher levels of trust .
Your health — body , mind , and spirit gets a boost when kindness is a way of life . It ’ s also a way to make the world a better place !
Vicki Minerva has lived and worked in the South County area as a Marriage and Family Therapist for over 35 years . Her education includes a M . Div . degree from Fuller Seminary and a M . A . in Marriage , Family Counseling from Santa Clara University . vickiminerva . com
My goal is to provide you with some information and help you access tools that will help you live your life and manage your relationships in healthier ways . This information is not a substitute for personal counseling and should not be taken out of context . There are many reputable therapists in the South County area should you need additional help .
GILROY • MORGAN HILL • SAN MARTIN JUNE / JULY 2018 gmhtoday . com
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