gmhTODAY 28 gmhTODAY Oct-Dec 2019 | Page 83

Jordan Rosenfeld AUTHOR ' S corner Jordan is the author of four writing guides and three novels. Her articles have been published in such places as: Alternet, The Atlantic, Marin Magazine, the New York Times, the Petaluma Magazine, Salon, the San Francisco Chronicle, the Washington Post and many more. Diane King: Rebuilding After Loss W hat was supposed to be a joyous night, two and a half years ago, for Diane King, a Morgan Hill nurse, turned out to be one of the worst nights of her life. Her husband of 24 years, Marty, passed away on the evening of his 60 th birthday. Unable to believe that the man with the “command presence” who made friends easily was gone, grief sideswiped her. Denial was the fi rst emotion to grip her. She’d planned to grow old with him. She’d lost her travel partner, her baking companion, her confi dante and best friend so suddenly she barely had time to realize what had happened. She soon turned to journaling to process her feelings and to record memories of the man who’d had such a big impact on her life. From there, she began to envision writing a book that might help other people go through the grief journey. She published her book, “You’ve Got This,” this year, she said, because “I feel that when situations like this happen, there’s no training for it, no class on how to deal with grief.” By writing the book, she hoped it might offer some comfort to others. The book combines a series of reminiscences and personal stories about her life with Marty with short questions for the reader to consider, such as: If you could share your gratitude now, what would you say to your loved one? Or, There are many forms of grief support offered locally within most communities, such as hospital programs, church/spiritual programs, social media platforms, weekly website e-mails, blog spots and friends/family. Have you reached out to any of these? If not, why? What she hopes readers will take away from the book: “Things will be okay, just keep putting one foot in front the other.” She admitted, “You have to force yourself to do things that are part of healing.” For her this includes yoga, meditation, deep breathing, focusing on the good that she can do, and helping others. “It’s easy to slip into where you don’t want to get out of bed or leave the house. You’ve got to keep moving.” Similarly, she urges readers not to deny or shelve the emotions of grief. “Otherwise they’ll manifest in ways you don’t want them to.” For her this meant breaking down in tears in places where it was not useful to her. Another helpful habit in the wake of Marty’s death, which she recom- mends to others, is to keep up some of the activities that you participated in with your partner or loved one. She still takes her coffee out on the porch to watch the hummingbirds; she still makes his renowned homemade salsa, and other dishes of his; and she keeps in touch with his circle of friends. “We had a big circle of friends and they told me ‘We’ll stay in touch,’ and they have,” she said. She tries to make an effort when they invite her out, rather than giving in to the urge to hide at home. She’s also helped along by spending time with her family, including two daughters and six grandchildren who range in age from eight months to nine years. While she is still sad, two and a half GILROY • MORGAN HILL • SAN MARTIN FALL/HOLIDAY 2019 years later, she has surprised herself with her strength and her abil- ity to adapt to this new life. No longer able to rely upon him for home repairs and cooking certain meals, she said, “I stood strong and got through it.” She’s trained herself to have an agenda every day. “It’s really easy to slip back and not want to leave the house. But there hasn’t been one day I didn’t get out of bed. Sometimes you have to force yourself.” She also accepts people’s offers of help and invitations to go out. “It’s easy to stay in your comfort zone but it’s important to get out.” Grief never completely leaves you, but she said “The pain eases over time.” She also feels that he’s still with her, and makes his presence known. He used to tease her about how sensitive she was to the chili's that went into his famous salsa recipe. After his death, she was making that recipe, and went into a coughing jag. She looked back at the clock and it said 1:43. “When we fi rst met he would page me that: 143, for ‘I love you.’” I said out loud, “You really think you’re funny.” gmhtoday.com 83