V OLUME : ?, ISSUE : WHO CARES ? A

PRIL 1 , 2017

By Colin Watts On Behalf of the Entire Chieftain Staff

We here at the Chieftain try to surround ourselves with people who do good at all costs . As a result , we have decided to impeach Managing Editor Ryan Israel . This was a tough decision for all of us , but it is not only the best for us , but , most importantly , it ’ s best for you guys , our award-winning readers .

There are many reasons why we have decided to impeach Ryan , but the main ones were his cockiness , his inability to stay healthy , and the fact that he is virtually incapable of spitting out a funny joke .

First , Ryan never stops yapping about how he is the Captain of the Brother Rice Swim Team , and he ’ s not even the coolest Israel on the team ( shout-out to Mr . Israel , Assistant Coach ).

When he ’ s not bragging , Ryan is usually sick . Just before the Valentines Issue was released , Ryan

Ryan , the one on the left , with his Grandma Mitzi

By Bobby Kunz

Chieftain Staff Not my President . The chants have been on Twitter and around the nation for months now , but recently they have also been going around Brother Rice . After our President , Matthew Bonasso , lost his $ 150 calculator , the rumors started coming through the grapevine . Losing an item like this shows a lack of leadership and responsibility .

After a couple of days , the calculator was not returned . It was looking like President Bonasso was not respected by his subordinates .

The Chieftain then took on the responsibility to do some digging and find Bonasso ’ s lost calculator . After a series of tweets from the Chieftain ’ s Twitter account , the calculator was found and the Chieftain solidified its place as Brother Rice ’ s leading news source .

missed three days of school because he was “ ill .” This basically means that he was catching up on the latest episodes of “ New Girl .” This so-called illness has caused us to really question his work ethic as a man .

Lastly , Ryan , has never told a funny joke . Never . He is very serious at all times because his dad went to Brown , and he now realizes that he will never be as good as him , no matter how “ thiccc ” he is . Even his sister , Rose , whom you can catch at Leo ’ s on the weekends ( until it closes ), shared how she puts up with Ryan ’ s bad jokes .

“ Well , I see him for about an hour a day , at family dinner , ” she told us . “ At this time , I usually try to avoid talking at all costs . ... So then Ryan tends to crack a bad joke , and that ’ s when I retreat back to my room immediately .”

So we hope you now understand why Ryan Israel is being impeached . By the way , going forward , the Chieftain officially declines to comment on this matter .

Birmingham mecca leaves teens without late-night choice

By D . Shaffer Chieftain Staff

BIRMINGHAM – Birmingham high schoolers ’ worst nightmare has become a reality . Leo ’ s Coney Island has announced it is closing April 1 . Teenagers now face the question , “ Where do I go to eat at midnight on the weekends with my friends now ?”

Now locals most likely can expect to see teenagers on the prowl for food in the streets of Birmingham , well past midnight . It will truly be a wild sight to see .

Leo ’ s announced its closure mainly because of a bear infestation . A restaurant spokesperson also mentioned other minor factors , like workers getting overwhelmed during the nightshift , which is when they got the majority of their business .

It is only a matter of time before local high schoolers start rioting . We recommend that you stay indoors at all times .

By The Class of 2019

It seems like a lot of people are talking about Colin Watts , but , honestly , nobody knows who Colin Watts is . The last name is mentioned often in the halls and in classrooms , but nobody has ever actually seen Watts or knows anything about him . While his name often appears in the Chieftain , it has been reported that this is actually an alias used by an anonymous writer . We , as Sophomores , want to clear things up and say that we don ’ t know who Colin Watts is and , if anybody claims to know him , they ’ re lying .

By A Varsity Athlete

Brother Rice announced last Thursday that it would be cutting all of its sports teams in 2017- 18 . Administrators have said that they would like the school to focus more on academics and less on unnecessary and meaningless sports . Brother Rice ’ s sports legacy will end with the conclusion of the Spring season in 2017 . Fracassa and Ambrose Fields will be converted into a greenhouse and garden , respectively . While a few alumni and parents are upset , most agree with the decision .

Trump-inspired barrier will separate Rice and Marian once and for all

By Nolan Geraghty

Chieftain Staff It ’ s gonna be huge ! Believe me , I know . Yes , the rumors are true , Brother Rice is going to build a wall at the border with Marian and , yes , Marian will pay for it . Managing Editor and future Brown University Bear Ryan Israel has begun planning for a wall between the two schools .

Several questions come to mind about this wall , such as : “ How big will the wall be ?” “ How much will it cost ?” “ Who will build the wall ?” “ Why is the wall being built ?”

After months of Big J journalism work for the

Chieftain , we found out that the wall will be 1,764 feet long and 9.3 feet tall . We found something ironic about these numbers that Ryan chose : Brown University was established in 1764 , and the acceptance rate at

A blueprint for the wall

Brown is 9.3 percent ... Hmmm .

When asked how he will make Marian pay for a wall they don ’ t even want , Israel answered , “ I ’ m really not worried about it . I ’ m the Managing Editor for the Chieftain , I ’ m going to Brown , and I can do whatever I want .”

Why is the wall being built ? Being the typical Managing Editor he is , Israel danced around the question , but we finally got an honest answer : The real reason for the wall is to keep Marian safe from Colin Watts .

Sad !

BROTHER RICE HIGH SCHOOL CHIEFTAIN PAGE 1 A PRIL 1 , 2017